Sleepless again... (few people will follow this...)

*IMPORTANT - I touch on a lot of subjects during this note and if your not up for reading a lot I advise you to stop now. If you are - I think you will find the latter things very interesting. I promise it gets better as you read. Please forgive me if I do lose you in any part of this - I received some bad news tonight and my mind was in 52 different places at once (I used 52 because that's the number my Mom always uses :D*

I closed my eyes tonight and had an epiphany. Well... many actually, but its strange what the twilight will bring to your mind. Often I have been curious as to what the world could accomplish if we required less sleep - I know many people who bring the best of themselves out at night (its as if we are all comforted by the shroud that the night has to offer - it lets us be ourselves regardless of how much of ourselves we are during the day to day). The only problem with this is that (for me at least) it seems to inhibit my ability to reach REM (Rapid Eye Movement) sleep most nights.

I'm not sure what brought on tonight's difficulties or realizations. Maybe it was the fact that my Uncle is in worse condition than ever. Maybe its because I don't feel great about my efforts at school. Maybe I want more out of my faith. Maybe my heart is telling me I shouldn't be following my pre-ordained path. Most of these were brought to my attention in the span of 5 minutes... back to back. Most can agree (at least I know my roommate Bob Kay has experienced analogous nights) that it is a difficult task managing all these thoughts in such a short time - but I guess this is my attempt (be forewarned... I might get confusing).

The thought process was as follows (The following is irrelevant to the comprehension of this note but is interesting to read - if not humorous).
My cousin's Dad is struggling with cancer. My cousin is an artist. I had a conversation with Tom today about artists performing best in the face of "depression". I wonder what this would spark for her. My Uncle's complications birthed "Time of Your Life" (check the other note). I wonder how I would express these sentiments through dance. Maybe I should do more artistic dancing, regardless of the limitations set by genre. Maybe I should be doing something more artistic for a career. I don't think engineering is exactly what I want to do. I want to do something in science. What about art? What is art? Art: The science of taking everyday feelings and providing a simplistic way of realizing these emotions and dealing with them. There are so many ilks (that was a vocab word from Junior year) of this science because people express things differently, hence: Dance, Painting, Photography, Writing, Theatre, etc.

Please excuse that if it perplexed you. That was just the process my mind took. You see - any ordinary time of the day, we are too focused to stop and let the mind run off. Or perhaps that is a glimpse into the unconscious. The unconscious is our [inactive] brain's way of telling us what we really yearn for. If this (and the fact that what our unconscious has to say is stronger than our conscious thought, and has more substance) is the case, then why do we depend on our conscious thought as much as we tend to? Carl Gustav Jung said: “Consciousness succumbs all too easily to unconscious influences, and these are often truer and wiser than our conscious thinking” (Mr. Jung was one of the predominant thinkers on the subject of analytical psychology). Based on this quote, we should be paying more attention at night than during the day. Most see the night as a time to relax, and while most think this infinite thought an obstacle; however, it should be looked at as our true desires. Maybe it is an art to be able to find what you truly want.

Regardless of this being our heart's desperate attempt to speak to us or just random build up that coincidentally fits together, this phenomenon seems to occur too readily (I guess that solidifies which of the two it really is). It should be listened to, and obviously (as God intended), happens for a reason. Now to piece my prior unconscious thoughts together.

When I heard about my Uncle Tony, I was really upset. Obviously, he is a family member and hearing about any loved one being in such pain is unbearable. He is also my Godfather, and while we may not have been the closest of people, that word seems to carry some sort of attachment with it. When I went to bed all I could think about was him. Then I thought about death. At the risk of sounding cliche, I arrived at the thought of school and if I was making the right choices for myself. I have been in a constant struggle with myself the past year and have been wondering if I chose the right direction for my life (if you know me well, I have this dream of being an entertainer. I would be filled with such ecstasy if I could have just one chance of performing my lyrics and dance for people and get people excited or inspired through them). I know my dream is in no way close to what I'm in school for (chemical engineering), and this made me think that if I truly wanted it, I would have gone that route. That thought never brings rest to the insane passion I have for writing, dancing, and (even if it is failing at it) singing. So when I was wondering if my decision was correct, it got me thinking about prayer. I started thinking about my religious life and realizing how trivial all of this truly is in comparison to what I can look forward to with God. My next thought scared me: am I doing all that I can to truly reach that ultimate goal? I went on: if I was doing things I truly loved, maybe I would be more at peace and have less internal turmoil to allow more focus on my faith?

All of these thoughts (while confounding and muddled) can be deciphered and linked together and I think that it can lead to a truth; don't ask me what truth, but I believe it will lead to something.

As demonstrated above, our thoughts can come in many different forms and can have a vast variance from one thought to the next, but again, they can all be associated. Looking back at my mind's puzzle I started off saying I'm sleepless. I then tried to diagnose the root of my "insomnia" by listing the things I was thinking about during my sleepless state. My next step was defining the process my brain took, looking for hints to solve the puzzle (Note: I didn't cheat! It's a valid method!). While writing the aforementioned out, I was curious as to why my brain was acting in such an "irrational" manner. I proceeded to rationalize it (if not to you, then at least to myself) as being the unconscious and defining this to further my understanding of the topic. After realizing that my prior musings were actually my legitimate feelings, I analyzed them to see how they related. What I found was that they are all separate concerns of mine, but they caused me to see things that I would not have seen otherwise. If it hadn't been for the news of my uncle, I would probably be dreaming of being James Bond (Quantum of Solace was great in my opinion). Since I received the news, I began to let my mind roam. This brought up the different thoughts and led me to my goals of this note:
1) I managed all of my thoughts for myself. I organized them so that I could see them clearly, determine their source, and ultimately, find a better way to fix the worries.
2) I remedied at least one of the worries - my faith. People always say you should listen for God's voice. I was always curious as to how I was supposed to hear someone that was in Heaven (that has to be pretty far away). What I have discovered (I will either convince you to think the same or to think that I am crazy) was our unconscious is what we truly desire. These desires are communicated to us through our souls (more commonly referred to as the Heart). Our souls are in direct communication to God [this is how he communicated the innate and universal laws that everyone believes in: it is wrong to steal, kill, be cruel, etc. and if you feel like debating or furthering this particular section, please see Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis prior to confronting me). So maybe if we listen to our unconscious {our desires [our heart (to God)]} then we can listen to God (oops I just mentioned that... please note: I'm using my sarcastic tone) and we can progress in our faith walk.

If you actually had the patience to read this, congratulations... You just sat through an abridgment of my auto-biography: finished before any major landmarks were achieved in my life. For those who didn't: You now lack the key to your life - the unconscious... the link to what you truly want - God.

I just closed my eyes and my unconscious is thinking about sleep... I guess I know what I want.